Six years ago today, I stood in the bathroom of a sleazy motel in south Florida staring with hatred at the face of the man looking back at me.
On the morning of August 18, 2009, the FBI had come to arrest me for possession of child pornography and while their attention was focused on the motel office where I was supposed to be working, I had slipped into my tiny room and decided that the best way to rid myself of the evil that had taken up residence within me, was to kill myself.
I broke apart a disposable razor and struck violently at both sides of my neck with the blades. This was no ‘cry for help’ or ‘appeal for sympathy’. I wanted the person I saw in the mirror to die, and when the blood erupted from my neck, I felt certain I had guaranteed success.
But death was not what God had in mind for me that day.
As I stated during my Baptism testimony, I was almost out of options and certainly almost out of time, when I asked God for His forgiveness. I didn’t scream. I didn’t cry out. There was no shout.
I whispered, in a very weak voice.
I have since come to understand that He was standing right there waiting to hear the words that would give Him great joy, and me a new life. I could write at great length about all the minute details God has attended to in my life since that day, but that is not the purpose here. I have done that, and will continue to do that, but here…now….today….I want to talk about THAT DAY. I want people who don’t believe, or are afraid to believe, or feel they have lived too sinful a life for God to allow them to believe………I want everyone to understand what happened that day and why I take joy in looking at the picture below:
The picture is a black and white copy of a ‘crime scene’ photo taken after I was removed from the shower stall and rushed to the hospital. The printing along the right side is from the Bible. It says: “But God does not just sweep life away; instead, he devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from him.” 2 Samuel 14:14b NLT
This is only one of 3 pictures I have showing that scene. Being black and white photo copies of pictures they are of poor quality, but it is still easy to see the blood. My blood, and lots of it. The other photos show the inside of the shower stall, and that is where most of the blood was. What a sight I must have presented to the FBI agents God sent in to save me!
And what a terrible sight I must have presented to my Father who had waited patiently for over 40 years to hear my cries for help.
Do you think it is morbid that I have those pictures? Better question: Do you think it is unusual that I love those pictures?
When Jesus Christ was removed from the Cross, do you think the Cross itself was a beautiful thing? It was most likely deeply soaked with His blood. It probably had bits of his flesh imbedded in it. It brings tears to my eyes to even imagine it, and yet I wear a Cross around my neck. I have them on my computer screen, hanging on my walls…all around.
Why?
Because the truth of what was accomplished on the Cross is now known, and the absolutely indescribable beauty that conquered the ugliness of that day is now cherished by all who have accepted Him as their Lord and Savior.
And so it is with that bathroom in south Florida. A day that began with intense hatred and ugliness, has grown into something of incredible beauty. The blood Jesus Christ shed for us all on His Cross has washed away the blood I shed in that bathroom. As I died to myself there, He picked me up and carried me to safety so I could stand here at my sister’s counter six years later and type these words encouraging others to lay their burdens at the foot of that beautiful Cross.
I am going to leave you with David Crowder singing “Come As You Are.” I took the title of this post from that song, but I had a hard time picking one. Please listen to the music and read the lyrics, and you will see why. I could have chosen so many from the words he sings.
And as you listen to the song, please join me in praising our great God who will take us, one and all, just as we are. Broken. Beaten. Battered. Bloody. It matters not to Him.
He loves us all.
Thank you, God, for the gift of this beautiful new day.
The After-Oakdale Chronicles 
Thanks for this, brother. The surest way to kill sin is to mediate on the Cross and the suffering of our Savior. Your gruesome approach to the Cross serves to paint a picture of the cost paid by Christ.
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And thank YOU, my brother. I appreciate you, Gabe. Thanks for all you have done to help me understand that cost better through your patient instruction.
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I am so grateful that God rescued you and also grateful you are so willing to reach out to others! You teach and encourage so many! I thank God & you!
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And I am grateful that God saw a use for me and that He gives me the strength to be used. If what I do helps just one, then it is worth every bit of effort. I thank you for your kind words, Donna. I am giving a talk at New Hope on August 30 to students in the ‘Takeover’ group along with my niece. If you’re in town, please do come. God bless you and Bill. 🙂
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Beautifully expressed. Scars equip us.
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They surely do, don’t they? Thank you, my friend.
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Beautiful testimony of God’s love and kindness. Thank you for being transparent. God truly is the Master at taking something ugly that we want to forget and using it to bring Him glory and us healing. Praise His Name!
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Thanks for your kind words, Denise. It is only through the strength God gives me and the total trust I have in Him that I am able to be transparent. The natural response for many in my situation is to stay as far from the public spotlight as possible, and that is understandable. That said, with God by my side it is possible to face those who would have been happy had that day resulted in my death, and try to open the eyes of their hearts to see that the blood Jesus shed washes away my sins just as it does theirs. If one other of God’s children makes better choices as a result of the sharing of my story, then the embarrassment and discomfort that accompany the sharing will have been worth it.
That transparency also brings other rewards. Rewards like the knowledge there are wonderful people like you who do so much to spread God’s love and His Word, and who understand the nature of God’s grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness.
Thanks again, and God bless.
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Amen. It is humbling to be transparent, but if God uses it to help another, how can we keep to ourselves when we have walked a path and can offer encouragement to those who walk behind us?
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What a miracle! To God be the glory. My father shot himself in the head (After having shot and killed his wife’s lover) and survived. Although he spent the last 16 years of his life in prison, his life was a testimony to the grace of God.
Thank you for your transparency. I understand having sunk into the depths of human depravity and the blessedness of having been delivered and restored.
The purity that I now walk in can only be explained by the cross of Christ.
‘If anyone is in Christ they are a new creation.’ Yay!
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Wow. That’s quite a story, Emily, and I appreciate you taking the time to read a little of mine and leave those very powerful and encouraging words. I am grateful. May God continue to bless you.
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Praising God for rescuing you and continuing to use you for His glory and purposes. He definitely is not finished with you yet 🙂
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