Evil Is Seductive

Posted on August 14, 2016 by Tony Casson

(Author’s Note: What follows was originally posted in 5 parts in The Oakdale Chronicles very early on during my incarceration. It is the story of my attempted suicide and the week that followed while I was kept in a hospital psychiatric unit in south Florida. I post it now because the anniversary of that nearly successful violent attack is approaching.

It was my dear Son, Anthony, who was charged with typing each part of the original post, and in re-reading it, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for him to do so. While I was incarcerated, Anthony was clear in his condemnation of what had brought my life to this point, but equally clear in his unwavering love for me.

It is possible to learn about love, loyalty, strength and courage from our children.

In addition to it being close to the ‘anniversary’ of my own attempted suicide, suicide has been at the forefront of many conversations and exchanged emails over the past 2 weeks. I heard from the parents of Ryan Loskarn, an individual whom I wrote about after his own suicide on January 23, 2014. I have also heard from a woman who is writing a book about a man she knew who committed suicide 5 years ago. Lastly, and very sadly, a man who I met last year through very dear friends of mine I met while working at Central Union Mission, committed suicide recently while living in Cypress.

Sad stories all. Are there answers for any of the people I just mentioned in the story that follows? Probably not, since each story is different in most respects. But each shares the fact that Satan won a victory on the day of that individual’s death. After all, his sole objective is the destruction of human life.

Maybe someone will read this who is struggling. If that is the case, I can say only this: Do not let him win!

Here then is the story of how my own personal battle was almost lost, and how God turned a horribly ugly day into a day of rebirth.)

August 18, 2009 began  for me pretty much like any other day in recent memory. I had just returned from dropping off the dirty linens from the tiny, rundown motel where I worked and lived.

It was a typical day in south Florida for that time of year. It was warm early, the sun was shining, and I was looking forward to finishing my “tour of duty” at the front desk and enjoying the day. Perhaps a little afternoon kayaking, a hobby I had taken up about a month earlier and taken an immediate liking to.

After I had returned from dropping off the laundry, I walked to my room at the other end of the parking lot to do something, I’m not sure what. I had moved into unit #4 a couple of months earlier after my siblings and I had sold our parents’ house, where I had lived since December 2004.

I had moved into their house in December. “Pop” (our step-father) had a stroke the day after Thanksgiving while visiting one of my sisters and it was felt that they needed some help if they were to continue living in their own home. It worked out that I was available to move in and help, and I did exactly that for several years until they both passed away within months of one another–9 weeks to be exact–earlier in 2008. Selling their home had caused me to move into the motel I had worked at, which was inherited by a neighbor and his sister when their Mother was hit by a car crossing the busy street in front of the motel. I had decided to stay there until I could decide a new course of action.

Finishing whatever it was I had gone to my room to do, I walked out the door and turned the corner to cross the parking lot and return to the office, roughly 80-feet away.

As I turned that corner, I noticed activity at the other end of the lot, in front of the office. Apparently, a couple of vehicles had pulled in while I had been in my room and I noticed several people moving about. On the backs of two of the jackets, I noticed the letters “FBI”.

I knew then that a new course of action was about to unfold, and I also knew it would not be pleasant for me, my friends, or my family.

The FBI had come to arrest me, and I was about to let down everyone I had ever known or loved…

It took a moment for the reality of the situation to sink in. I had known for about a year and a half that the FBI would come for me sooner or later (more on that another time), but now that they were here and once it HAD sunk in, I did an about-face and returned to my room.

Fortunately for me–at least that’s the way I felt at the moment–no one saw me, as their attention was focused on the motel office where they must have determined I was going to be at that time, on that day.

It is extremely difficult to describe my state of mind at this point. I locked the door and threw the sliding lock. My heart was pounding, my mouth was dry, and I moved about my tiny room wildly–pacing–in a state of panic.

I moved into the small bathroom and  stood in front of the sink, which was right next to the shower, looking into the mirror for what seemed like a long time. I am sure was mere seconds. It’s amazing the amount, and diversity, of information that the human mind can process in a very short amount of time.

It’s amazing, too, how afraid and completely alone a human being can feel.

I stood there, tears forming, staring into my eyes watching them form, trying to look into the depths of my soul where the darkness was. To that part of my being that had been–through the course of my life–so thoroughly seduced by evil. I tried to find a solution to the predicament I was in, and the only solution I could come up with was that the evil had to die.

That part of me that I had despised through the years but was small enough to be manageable (or so I thought) had grown and consumed enough of my soul that the little remaining that was good inside of me suddenly felt outmatched and death loomed as the only solution.

I felt that the predictions of self-destruction that had been made when I was in my teens had finally come home to roost. I also felt that I had betrayed the love and friendship of so many people, and I was unworthy.

For years, various people had told me I was my own worst enemy and now, today, at this moment, I finally agreed with them, and I decided that the only way to win was to defeat the enemy, and to defeat the enemy, the enemy must ultimately die.

Since the room was small and contained a bed, a dresser, an entertainment center, and a table with 2 chairs, there was only a small amount of space to walk in, but walk I did–to the door–to the front window–to the back window.

The windows were old jalousie type windows common in south Florida that had long ago stopped opening and closing, the panes of glass were frosted, and most of the panels were sealed with silicone to keep out dust and the warm, often hot, Florida air. There was one clear pane at the bottom of the front window, facing the parking lot, that I had put in when I had moved in so I could check the lot without going outside, but at that moment the curtains were drawn and I was afraid to move them to peek outside.

I knew they would shortly discover that I was not in the office and would then focus their attention on my room.

My heart was pounding in my chest as I returned to the bathroom. I was breathing heavily, in a totally panicked and desperate state, telling myself, “You’re f—-d, you’re f—-d, you’re f—-d! You’ve got no way out! You’ve got to do it! You have f—-d up your life you stupid, stupid ass. You’ve got to put an end to this now!”

I hadn’t contemplated suicide before, nor have I since, but at that time, in the state of mind I was in, hating who I was and what I had done to my life, my children, my family, and my friends, not thinking that anyone would understand, and not wanting to fight my demons anymore, the decision was made. Now the only thing remaining–and time was surely running out–was, “How do I do this??”

My mind was racing, going through its memory of what was in my room that I could use to end this madness, finally settling on the blades contained in a disposable razor. I grabbed one and broke it, back now in front of the sink. As it broke apart, the blades came free and fell into the sink. I picked them up–they were difficult to grasp because they were so narrow, but they were all I had.

The tears were coming faster now, flowing more freely, the accumulated pain of my life’s mistakes welling up and spilling out of my eyes and down my cheeks.

Holding a blade between the thumb and first 2 fingers of each hand, I raised them to the sides of my neck, lightly pressing on each vein. Standing there, I looked into the tear-filled eyes staring back at me in the mirror, trying to find an answer different from the one I had arrived at.

I no longer knew the person looking back at me, and I found no different answer…

“When you look long into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.”  ~F. Nietzsche

The image of myself in the mirror was blurred by my tears, but I could see where the sharp edges of the razor blades touched my skin.

Time, damn it! Time! I was running out of time!

I remember a sound escaping my lips, but I have no recollection of whether it was a word, or just a sob, but it was then that I clenched my teeth, pressed the razor blades down, and pulled them forward sharply. One time, then quickly again cutting both jugular veins at once, the vein on the right being cut more than the left.

The blood spurted through the breaches in the veins with a force that surprised me for some reason. I took a step backwards and then to my right, moving into the shower.

I turned, slightly dazed, I think–a little stunned, perhaps that I had actually made such a statement of self-loathing, but at the same time, momentarily relieved of the pressures bearing down on my soul.

I leaned against the wall, my blood pumping out of my veins, and slid down to a sitting position. I looked down at the front of my shirt and ran my fingers through the sticky wetness, the blood warm in contrast to the coolness of the tiles. A sadness swept over me–a sure sign that my life was going to end here–in this shower–today–in a few moments. And the sadness was for all the things I should have been, and could have done–for all of the good that I was capable of.

And I remember thinking how odd it was that I felt no pain from my self-inflicted wounds–indeed, there was a feeling that the intensity of my panic and anxiety was flowing down the shower drain with the blood that was leaving my body.

Trying to recount the thoughts and my overall state of mind at this point is difficult, because things seemed to be slowing down a bit. There seemed to be a quietness and a surreal feeling setting in.

I was still crying, but the tears had slowed somewhat. I do know that I started talking to my mother, my best friend in life, and now, it seemed, that she was about to become my best friend in death. She had passed away a little over a year before, and I spoke to her now because her faith in God was as powerful, and sure, as mine was not.

God had not been one of my favorites for many years–since I was a teenager, in fact, and my best friend was killed in a car crash.

I wasn’t sure if lying in a pool of blood from self-inflicted wounds presented the right set of circumstances for reconciling with God, but it looked as if that was what was about to happen.

Speaking to my mother, I also told myself that if I was to believe that she could hear me, I also had to acknowledge that she was with God as she had truly believed she would be. I told her tearfully that I was sorry, so very sorry for making such a mess of my life, and I asked her to help my children understand that their father was not the monster that circumstances would make him out to be, but that he had just lost himself for a time back there somewhere and simply hadn’t realized it until it was too late to fix.

It was at this point that I slid down further onto the floor of the shower, until I was lying on my back.

I was getting weaker, time was passing, and I could hear sounds that told me the FBI had turned their attention from the office to my room–voices–calling my name–sounds at the window–sounds at the door.

I know I asked God to look after my mother, and I thanked him for giving her to me. I also asked him to look after my children, and thanked him again.

Apologizing for being less of a human than I should have been, I then asked him for forgiveness.

I prayed for all of the people who looked up to me–who respected me–who loved me, and would now feel betrayed by and disappointed in me.

They should all be angry with me for not giving them credit for having more character than that, and for loving me more than I did myself, but at that particular moment, rationality had long since ceased to exist for me. In a few minutes, it wasn’t going to matter anyway, because I was slipping closer and closer towards death, a slow motion race to beat the people I could hear outside my door.

I read recently, in a Nelson Demille novel, a statement made by one of his characters that said, “Compared to shame, death is nothing.” To me, at that moment, drifting closer and closer to a point from which I could not possibly return–I’m sure that statement would have rung true.

I know differently now, of course, just as I knew differently in the days to come. In fact, I would have thought I knew differently about 15 minutes earlier, before this self-inflicted nightmare began. But at that time, and for that moment, I asked for death, and it appeared that I was going to get what I asked for.

My eyes were no longer open, nor could I open them. I was aware of my shallow breathing, but beyond that, I lacked the ability–or the will–to move.

Muffled voices and sounds could be heard through the walls, along with a metallic tapping–tap, tap, tap………tap, tap, tap. My mind hearing my voice encouraging death, “Just go. Just die. Just sleep. Just end it.”

But still there was that tapping–tap, tap, tap…tap, tap, tap. And other muffled noises and voices. And me, “Just go. Just die…” And then–a voice, clearer, yet still faint, and not mine–saying, “I’m in!”

Suddenly, I could faintly hear people nearby, voices calling to others, exclamations about what they had found, calls for an ambulance.

I felt something around my neck–a towel, perhaps–and felt pressure being applied. At once point, I slipped into total stillness for a few moments, then I heard the faint voices again. I was being jostled, dragged from the shower.

I sensed more activity outside the bathroom–more voices of people maneuvering in the very restrictive confines of my room.

Various sensations of being jostled, lifted, multiple hands on me, various voices issuing directives. I had slight sensations of movement and then what I guess would have been the sensation of being lifted into the ambulance. I must have been fading in and out, there was constant pressure on my neck, muffled voices, like I was listening to people talk with ear muffs on.

The ambulance came to a stop–at the hospital, I assume–I had the sensation of being lowered to the ground. I felt movement, heard new voices, then heard and felt absolutely nothing…

I did not wake up for about 24 hours, and when I did, I was in the intensive care unit, and I was conscious for just a moment, long enough to be aware that I was still alive, that I was connected to all sorts of machines, that there was something stuck down my throat, and my hands were encased in these really soft, really thick gauze mittens.

I was in and out of sleep most of the day, and when I was awake, people spoke to me, but I didn’t respond. Well, couldn’t, as I was still with a tube down my throat helping me breathe.

Towards the end of the morning, I believe, the breathing tube was removed, a wholly unpleasant experience, by the way–kind of like sticking your finger UP your throat. As unpleasant as it may have been, I was glad (yes, I was) that I was around to experience it.

I was moved to a regular hospital room later that day and was treated pretty normally except I had a 24-hour “watcher”, someone who’s only job was to sit and watch me.

Two days later, I was moved to the third floor, where the ‘psych’ ward was located. Until that point, I really hadn’t said much to anyone. People came and went, looked at me, did their assigned task, and left. I was pretty weak initially and had a lot of drugs in me, so I faded in and out of sleep.

Once I got to the third floor, it was different. People were going to seek answers, and I was going to be expected to provide them.

The FBI didn’t place me under arrest at the motel because–as they informed my sister, Kathy–they would have had to provide a 24-hour guard, and they “didn’t have the manpower”.

Once I had physically recovered enough to be moved near the psych ward, I was held under authority of Florida’s Baker Act, which allowed for a 72-hour observation period. The third floor was a secured level with locked doors and controlled access. There was a nurses station, a craft activity room, a day room, and half-a-dozen two-person rooms.

There was never an empty bed, and there were two units like this. I was in unit A. Most were there because they had said they wanted to die. A few had taken pills. A couple had had voluntarily entered. A lot of unhappiness in the world…

I would end up spending almost a week on the third floor at Memorial Hospital-Johnson.

The demons I had faced in the mirror seemed to have fled, leaving the naked truths that had been buried, or hidden, exposed for me to deal with, and for all to witness.

Everyone knows that in order to see something clearly, it must be viewed in the light. If you are talking about the flaws in an apple, or a pear, it’s no big deal. However, when you take the darkness in the human soul and bring it into the light, be prepared to call upon God for help in dealing with what you find there.

The time I spent on the third floor was time well spent. I uncovered things within myself–pain I had covered for years–and discovered little things in the past that had developed into big things over time.

I talked. I cried. I talked.

I examined myself and developed a sense that I could–and would–survive all my current problems and finally deal with all of my old issues.

I would be someone I could love, and I knew those who loved me would help.

At this point, I would like to apologize to my family and friends. I’m sorry to have put you all through this in the first place, and I am sorry for whatever pain reading these last few entries may have caused.

I do not delight in hurting those I love, but I do harbor a fervent hope that, over time, my words will reach out to someone who has been seduced by evil and, perhaps, will initiate a change in direction that will spare him–or her–and his family and friends the enormous spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial price that all of this evokes.

We have not even begun to scratch the surface, and I hope you all have the patience to bear with me as I ramble.

To my children, my brothers, sisters, other relatives, friends–I love you all, and I am sorry.

(Author’s note: Thanks for reading. May God bless each and every one of you and keep you and your families safe.)

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August 14

Posted on August 14, 2016 by Tony Casson

TODAY IS…

the perfect day to take back what has been stolen from us.

“The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet.”  Romans 16:20a NIV

Every single one of us has had something stolen from us by Satan. No one has escaped except for Christ. We all have given in to temptation and we all have sinned and every time we have sinned, we have allowed Satan to take something else from us. We have been his willing victims.

He has stolen dignity from some of us. From others, he has stolen decency. He has stolen our faithfulness to our spouses and our faith in God. He has stolen our truthfulness, and he has stolen our integrity. We have let him slip away in the darkness with our morality, and we have let him get away unnoticed with our kindness. He has pocketed our happiness, and smashed the windows to our souls and left the space empty. He has cheated us out of our love for ourselves, leaving us unable to love anyone else. He has conned us out of our certainty, leaving us with our doubts.

When we weren’t looking he walked away with our compassion, and left disdain in its place. While he distracted us with self-indulgence, he swiped our desire to help others and replaced it with selfishness. He has stolen our tolerance while trying to convince us that hostility and impatience were better suited to our personalities.

He has stolen our sight, making it impossible to see the pain of others and he has taught us to lie, cheat, and steal while we have hungrily pursued the education.

More than likely, what Satan has stolen from you is somewhere on this list. If not, it needs to be added, because everyone has lost something. Some of us have lost more than one thing, and perhaps more than a few have lost it all. He will try to prevent you from calculating your exact losses. He will try to cloud your judgment, distract you, or take something else from you. He pretends to be the best friend you ever had, but he is – in reality – the biggest danger you have ever faced. He will suck everything good out of you until there is nothing left but your last breath and then he will take that as well.

But the Good News is that today is not going to be like yesterday. Today we are going to take it all back. God has been waiting for today for a very long time, and He is glad that it is here. We must reach out and ask God to take our hand and tell Him we want everything Satan has stolen from us. Today is the perfect day to take it all back, and God is the Perfect One to help us all get it.

*******

Taken from “TODAY IS….A Gift From God”, (C) 2013 Tony Casson

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August 13

Posted on August 13, 2016 by Tony Casson

TODAY IS…

a great day to teach what you don’t know.

“The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”  Philippians 4:9 NASB

How can we possibly teach what we don’t know? Teaching another person about Christ is one of the greatest things that we can do while on this earth. Unfortunately, so many of us think that our knowledge is too limited to be of much use to another person. We have read about the importance of memorizing scripture, but we can’t seem to memorize easily. Perhaps that holds us back. We have only been living in the Word of God for a short time. Perhaps that holds us back. The truth is, if we wait until we become the perfect teacher, we will never teach.

While the Bible itself can be somewhat overwhelming to us at first, the willingness to explore it makes us a student. The joy in helping someone explore it makes us a teacher, even if we cannot quote chapter and verse.

If we know that the answer to any question that we can ask about how to live our life can be found in the Bible, we can be a teacher. If we trust God to help us help another person find the truth that they seek, we can be a teacher. If we don’t mind saying, “You know, I’m not sure, but let’s see what we can find together” you have demonstrated the qualifications to teach what you do not know.

The simple reality is that if God were to depend on “certified” scholars to spread His message, it would never have spread very far. Teaching others about the salvation that Christ offers each one of us is something that comes from our hearts, and not from a diploma or a degree.

The study of the Holy Bible is a life-long personal commitment. It is not a two year or a four year degree. It is a daily program for problem solving. It is a treasure chest that can be reached into without looking with the knowledge that whatever we grab will be valuable beyond measure.

We are better teachers than we allow ourselves to believe. Our knowledge is first hand, heartfelt, and deeply personal. Teaching about Christ helps us to learn about ourselves. Seeing the changes we help instill in another brings about remarkable changes within ourselves. We teach by being an example for others to follow and we discover that not only are we good at it, but our desire to teach still more people grows.

Teach without fear of what you don’t know and you’ll be amazed at what you do know.

*******

Taken from “TODAY IS….A Gift From God”, (C) 2013 Tony Casson

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August 12

Posted on August 12, 2016 by Tony Casson

TODAY IS…

the day to trust God in our suffering.

“Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right.”  1 Peter 4:19 NASB

God does not want us to suffer. He wants us to trust Him in our suffering. God is not a sadist. He does not take pleasure in our pain, but at the same time, He wants us to use our pain to learn, to grow, and to become more trusting of Him.

Many people use the suffering of innocent children as “proof” that God is less than benevolent and loving. These same people point to atrocities around the world and claim that He can stop them and put an end to all pain and suffering. God wants us to trust Him. He wants us to work together to end pain and suffering. He wants us to learn from the mistakes we have been taught in the Bible. He wants us to follow a very simple code of conduct as His children that will put an end to much of the pain and suffering in the world but we refuse.

It is always easy to point a finger at God and blame Him for our mistakes and our shortcomings. Each and every day people come to their own realization that most of their own suffering was brought on by themselves. How much pain, sorrow, and suffering do we bring upon ourselves and others because we drink too much? Because we take drugs? Because we are unfaithful to our spouses? Because we give in to the temptation of Satan who loves nothing more than to have us bring pain, loss, and suffering into our own lives because we gave into temptation instead of asking God for help? Much of our personal suffering can be avoided if we trust and rely on God.

God allowed Jesus to suffer horribly at the hands of men who were cruel. He did not make those individuals torment, torture, and kill His Son. Did He allow it? Yes He did. But Jesus trusted the Father and was rewarded with a life that will never experience pain and suffering again.

It is always easier to blame God than it is to accept responsibility. It is always easier to turn away because we feel abandoned than it is to step closer because we trust. We can pray for those who suffer without mercy and without reason at the hands of others. We can trust in God who sees those who cause the suffering and we can trust in God who welcomes home those who have been harmed by others. The power of evil on earth can only be broken by the power of trust in God.

Pray for those who suffer at the hands of others and trust God who will always do the right thing.

*******

Taken from “TODAY IS….A Gift From God”, (C) 2013 Tony Casson

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August 11

Posted on August 11, 2016 by Tony Casson

TODAY IS…

the ideal day for reminding ourselves of our own imperfections.

“At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.”  Titus 3:3 NIV

Our efforts to follow Christ have borne fruit and we feel good about the progress we have made in our lives. We are thankful to God for His patience, compassion, and understanding. We are also grateful for those individuals He has blessed us with who have helped us in our struggle with our former selves as we have broken the bonds that once held us captive to a life of sin.

We are refreshed, renewed, and restored. We have accepted Christ and received our free gift of salvation. We can look comfortably in the mirror and be pleased with the image looking back at us. We can feel clean and know that we emit a glow of contentment when we walk among others.

The journey to this point has not always been an easy one. There have been rough spots in the road and we have stumbled, perhaps repeatedly, but each time that happened we knew to look to the Lord for a steady hand and an abundance of love and forgiveness. No matter what we have come face to face with, God has never left our side.

What a wonderful feeling we have and how blessed we are that we have learned that using our freedom to do the right things is what makes us truly free. It is suddenly so wonderful to be alive! “Praise God!” we say, “Praise God!” And we mean it, and we do love Him, but then we do something that is very human, very easy to do, and very wrong: we judge someone else and look down upon them for what they do, say, or believe.

This is very common. In no way does that make it right. It is simply another obstacle in the path that we must walk if we are to be righteous in the eyes of God. We must overcome this obstacle, so what must we do? We must remind ourselves that not only are we not better than the one we are looking down on, but we must also remind ourselves we were that person and without God’s steady influence in our daily lives, we could be that person once again. We must avoid, at all costs, the “holier than thou” position that so many seem to take.

Instead of looking down on other sinners, we must embrace them and encourage them. We must be a beacon of light for them and to do this we may have to share with them how we came into possession of that light. We must not be afraid to show others, or to remind ourselves, that we are not perfect, but with God’s help we are better every day.

*******

Taken from “TODAY IS….A Gift From God”, (C) 2013 Tony Casson

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August 10

Posted on August 10, 2016 by Tony Casson

TODAY IS…

a superb day to notice that we are noticed.

“O Lord, what are human beings that You should notice them, mere mortals that You should think about them?”  Psalm 144:3 NLT

Who are we that God should care what happens to us? Let’s face it, in today’s world there are so many human beings inhabiting the earth, why should the Lord take notice of “me”? How can He take notice of me with all that is going on around this vast planet?

Sometimes it seems as if people think God is so busy that He doesn’t notice what we do. It is almost as if an attitude has been adopted of “If He doesn’t care how I act, why should I?”

And yet, the Bible is very clear on that very subject. God does notice each and every one of us and He does care. In fact, Jesus told His disciples God would know if even one tiny sparrow fell from the sky, “So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” (Matthew 10:31 NIV). Since God makes it clear that we are valuable to Him, should we not then act as if we understand that? Perhaps we think that God is only aware of us when we pray. Who among us acts badly while talking with God? Is that not when we are on our best behavior? “Oh Lord, thank You! Oh, Lord forgive me! Oh Lord help me!” We seem to have no problems remembering to be good, to be repentant, to be humble, and to behave while God is in the forefront of our thoughts, but what about after? We fail to realize that even though we may get caught up in the swirl of life around us and forget about the Lord He never forgets about us.

We should all strive every day to understand that God notices everything we do. Nothing escapes His attention and any doubts or feelings of insignificance should be erased from our minds immediately.

Besides, if we are living our lives in the right way, then we are in constant communication with God, so we can rest assured that we do not escape His notice.

No matter our reason, if we are feeling as if God is too busy to notice “me,” we must alter our way of thinking. If we pretend He doesn’t notice we do things we shouldn’t, we are wrong. If we feel we are too insignificant and small for Him to notice, we are wrong. We are important to the One who gave us life. What we do is important to Him as well.

Use the gift of this day to sit up and take notice that nothing escapes the notice of God.

*******

Taken from “TODAY IS….A Gift From God”, (C) 2013 Tony Casson

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August 9

Posted on August 9, 2016 by Tony Casson

TODAY IS…

an excellent day to seek common ground.

“When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone doing everything I can to save some.”  1 Corinthians 9:22 NLT

The Apostle Paul not only ministered to people that he met in his travels, he spent a lot of time teaching them to minister to others. He said, “Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible.” (1 Corinthians 9:12 NIV).

Someone wrote, “Salvation doesn’t enroll you in a club for the religious elite. It enlists you into the Army of the Lord.” Part of our responsibilities as members of this army is to help enlist others as well. In order to do this, we must do many things, just as Paul taught. One important thing to remember is to never present a know-it-all attitude. Another is to be friendly and easy to approach. Another is to establish common ground with the person we are talking with or helping.

For instance, if we are volunteering at a place that provides meals for those who are hungry, we would not want to show up expensively dressed or displaying expensive jewelry. We wouldn’t want to distract anyone from what we are attempting to do, nor would we want to create the impression that we are better than they are.

If we are speaking with someone on the subject of sin, we would not want to create the impression that we have never sinned. We would not want to give someone the idea that we are free from temptation. It would be difficult for most people to identify with someone like that.

If we want to bring someone closer to God, we must walk with them and show them we do understand their perspective and we do appreciate their circumstances.

As the Son of God, Jesus was capable of exhibiting awesome power. Although He did perform some wondrous miracles, His humility was an important part of who He was. He tried to show that He was just like us in many ways. He loved the people He came to save. He never failed to connect with common, everyday people.

No matter what situation we find ourselves in, it is always desirable to seek common ground with those around us. It is the surest way to helping others understand what we are trying to share with them, and while we will not be able to save them all, we will certainly be able to save some.

*******

Taken from “TODAY IS….A Gift From God”, (C) 2013 Tony Casson

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August 8

Posted on August 8, 2016 by Tony Casson

TODAY IS…

a good day to understand that a person’s wealth is not a sign of God’s approval.

“Yet they succeed in everything they do. They do not see Your punishment awaiting them. They sneer at all their enemies.”  Psalm 10:5 NLT

The majority of the entire world’s wealth is owned by a very small percentage of its inhabitants. Most of us work hard to make ends meet and do the best we can to support our families. Many others have much less and often have little or nothing to eat and live in conditions which most of us would find difficult to imagine, let alone to actually endure.

There are probably those who are extremely wealthy who will point to their success as a sign of God’s approval but we all know that material success had nothing to do with it. Jesus Himself spoke on the subject: “And Jesus said to His disciples, ‘Truly I say to you, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.’” (Matthew 19:23 NASB). As if He wasn’t sure that His statement was clear enough, Jesus added emphasis by saying, “Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” (Matthew 19:24 NASB).

Jesus was not implying that wealthy people could not get into heaven when they died or that they were not welcome there. What He was telling His disciples was that their wealth was no guarantee of entrance into the Kingdom of God and could also be a hindrance, for far too often those who are materially well off somehow seem to give all of the credit to themselves and do not feel the need to thank God or include Him in their lives. This is a mistake in judgment that, uncorrected, will have tragic eternal consequences.

Does God automatically punish the wealthy? Of course not. There are many people of substantial means whose lives have been given to God. They have accepted Christ and they are grateful for all they have. They do their part to share with others and to give back to God for all He has given them.

The same thing applies to those who are poor or of modest means. Again, our financial status is not what determines our worth in God’s eyes. It is what God finds in our hearts, not in our bank accounts that matters and those who are financially barren can be just as barren in their faith.

Simple lives lived in service to God and to others are very valuable to the Lord. When we learn to measure our success by how we demonstrate our love for God and for those around us, we will have learned the true secret for the kind of success that will gain us entrance to the Kingdom of God.

*******

Taken from “TODAY IS….A Gift From God”, (C) 2013 Tony Casson

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Letters to Heaven: The Last Prison Letter, Mom

Posted on July 20, 2016 by Tony Casson

(Author’s Note: This article was originally posted in The Oakdale Chronicles on April 25, 2014 while I was still incarcerated at the Federal Correctional Institution in Oakdale, Louisiana)

Dear Mom,

It has been some time since I last wrote you. For this I apologize, but letters to you are not simple things. Bringing you to the forefront of my thoughts like this always carries with it a certain amount of personal discomfort that must be dealt with. Even though I do think of you often, the more focused effort of putting pen to paper always causes me to reflect in greater detail on your life, and it is impossible for me to do that without also considering the pain and suffering I contributed TO that life.

I am certain you are overjoyed to see the person God has shown me I am capable of being begin to emerge. My knowledge of the depth of love you had for your children and your capacity for kindness to every single person you ever met easily overcomes any misguided fear I might have that you would harbor any ill-will or resentment toward me for the way I lived my life or for the sleepless nights, heartache, and tears I caused you to suffer. Still, I am uncomfortable writing letters to you on a small metal desk in a cold, unfriendly cell, located in a prison where I was placed for a crime that should never have occurred in the first place.

Had I thought about you in the past as much as I do now, and in the same manner, I would never have allowed myself to stop caring about the condition of my soul to the degree I did. Had I thought of you more, I would have seen that your ability to love and to smile came from your relationship with God. I would have been able to reason that your unselfish, kind and compassionate attitude also came from Him, and perhaps I would have looked to God long ago and avoided that final turn onto the road which almost led me to self-destruction.

Be that as it may, I know these things now, Mom, and I just want to say, “Thank you.” You see, I have also come to understand that God did exactly as you had prayed for Him to do for so many years, although perhaps not in the time-frame you might have preferred. His reasons for waiting until I was almost drained of life before He opened my eyes and allowed me to see what I needed to do in order to receive His help are very clear to me now. God wanted me to arrive at the point where I completely and totally hated the evil I had allowed to control my life. He waited for me to become that which I needed to learn to despise. When I struck out at myself in rage, He allowed me to come very close to achieving my objective of killing the one person who was causing me so much pain before He let me see those precious words that brought Him to my rescue: “God, please forgive me.” In His infinite wisdom, He knew I needed to see for myself how quickly He comes to those who call Him in order that I would know it was HE who saved me. Once I gave up on myself and put my Hope in Him, He knew I would then change the course of my life and decide to live to show others that THEIR Hope lies in Him as well.

So again, I say, “Thank you. Thank you for your prayers on my behalf, and for never giving up Hope.”

The One who gave you the ability to give ME my life, stood by and suffered great pain watching me struggle with myself. How it must have hurt Him as He watched me try desperately to kill the evil within myself. I believe you stood with Him at that lowest point in my life here on earth, tearfully crying to Him, “Father, save my son! Please, save my son!”

In spite of His own great personal pain, He would have placed His arms around you and quietly said, “Be patient, my child, his suffering is almost over.” Despite that reassurance from God Himself, I can only imagine the panic you must have felt as you watched me slipping closer and closer to death. You knew we would never see each other again unless I gave up and finally opened my mouth to ask God for His help. You knew that unless I asked for His forgiveness, I would be lost for all of eternity to the evil I had allowed to consume me, and which I was trying to eliminate by killing myself.

They say the pain of childbirth is indescribably, excruciatingly, blindingly intense, but how much more so the pain must be to watch a child who is about to pass through the gates of Hell. I cannot help but think of Ryan Loskarn’s parents and the pain they must live with on a daily basis following his suicide.* Those of us who attempt it or who succeed at ending our lives are not selfish, contrary to what many people think and despite the fact we are definitely not thinking of others at that moment. Those who would disagree fail to grasp the obvious: We are not thinking of ourselves either. We are simply trying to kill the pain that we have allowed to consume us by not turning to God for the comfort and strength we need to overcome that pain.

Having been fortunate enough to have been saved from myself by God, Ryan’s death brought home to me the truth of the devastating blow that would have been dealt to those I would have left behind. Even though we can grow to hate something we have allowed to grow within us, there are those who love us in spite of those things who deserve the opportunity to help us: Our Mothers and Fathers; our children; our siblings and our friends. Foremost among those who love us and wants to help us is God. I shudder to think of how my own story almost ended. I am so very, very grateful to God for saving me, and I pray that He provides some form of comfort to those who witnessed the tragic ending to Ryan’s story and will live the rest of their lives with those things they loved about him absent from their lives.

Are children worth all the trouble they cause, Mom?  Are we really worth the tears, the pain, the frustration, and the worry? Can we ever make up for the sleepless nights we have caused? For the anger our actions give rise to? Can we possibly make up for the things we have said and done in the thoughtlessness of our youth? Are we worth the pain we inflict on those around us when we act in self-destructive ways, foolishly thinking our lives are the only ones affected by our actions?

God thinks so, and I know you always did too, Mom. You would never even consider giving up on one of your children; not for a moment would you withdraw what you could always give to each one in equal measure: Your love, and your prayers. And that love and those prayers paid off, don’t you think? After all, hasn’t our great God done some pretty amazing work within the heart and mind of THIS child? For four years**, He has patiently directed, guided, corrected, counseled, consoled, taught, loved, and inspired me. For four years, He has helped me to find self-forgiveness for allowing myself to become someone I did not know and could not love. For four years He has shown me I can help myself by reaching out to others to try to help THEM. For four years He has pointed me in the direction He has wanted me to go, and for four years He has said to me, “THIS is who I want you to be!”

And now, after those four years, I am prepared to leave this place. After those four years, I am eager to show the world what God will lovingly do for us when we give Him our lives: He gives them back to us. He makes us NEW.

God HAS given me my life back, Mom. In gratefully accepting it from Him, I have looked to Him and said, “I want to live it for you, but I need you to show me how.” In response, He has shown me He has a plan for me. It is a plan for a future full of Hope. It is a plan of service to Him by doing something I was never capable of doing before: Looking out for other people. I am eager to leave this place and continue to work for the future God has planned for me. I say ‘continue’ to work on the plan, because I have been working on God’s plan for the future since the day I walked through the doors that locked behind me 4 years ago.

Soon I will be rejoining the society I was removed from as a result of my actions. Soon I will walk among ‘decent’ people, many of whom will shy away from me when they learn of my past. While trying to move forward, there will always be those who will want to point behind me and ask, “How could you?”

How could I? A fair question, indeed.

Recently, I was asked that question by someone you know, Mom, and since there are others who seek to make sense of the senseless, I have decided to respond to that request here.

There are two parts to the answer. The first is quite complex and is one I addressed in an article posted in these pages on April 18, 2013. That article was titled ‘unspoken‘, and it contained a ‘speech’ that I would give to young people of high school age, if I were allowed to do so. In that ‘speech’, I did my best to retrace the footsteps which brought me to this prison. The first of those footsteps was taken when I was quite young. After reading the rest of this article, I urge those who have not done so to go back and take the time to read ‘unspoken’.

I will offer the second part of my answer knowing ahead of time that there will be many who will not be satisfied with the answer’s simplicity. I will pray people will consider what I say not only in the context of the possession of child pornography charge which brought me to this place I am about to leave, but in the much larger context of the problems which exist in all of our lives, and in the world as a whole.

I have learned, Mom, that we become capable of behavior that is beneath us as children of God when we fail to follow the lessons taught by Jesus Christ. These lessons are quite simple and can be found in the Holy Bible, of course. Granted, the Bible itself appears to be a very complex book. Indeed, there is a tremendous amount of complexity available to keep thousands upon thousands of theologians and biblical scholars busy, but for the rest of us, the Bible can be viewed in a very simple manner: It is a journey taking us from the perfect beginning of the world, to the perfection of its end. Along the way, we are made privy to those places where mankind has failed. We are shown how we have failed God; how we have failed each other; and we are shown how God offered us salvation by sending His only begotten Son to die on the cross for us and wash away our sins with His blood. The death of Jesus gave us all Hope for a perfect ending to our lives here on earth, but it was Christ’s LIFE that demonstrated how we are to act while we are alive.

The Pharisees were one of two major religious groups during the time of Christ. While they did believe in the resurrection of the body and eternal life, they disregarded God’s message of grace and mercy while believing that salvation came through observance to the law and NOT through the forgiveness of sin. The message Christ brought with Him contradicted the Pharisees, so they set out to discredit Him in any way they could because they did not believe – or did not WANT to believe – He was the long-awaited Messiah.  Obedience to God IS important, as Jesus teaches us time and time again. One such time was when the Pharisees tried to trap Him by asking what the most important commandment was in the Law of Moses. Christ’s answer to the Pharisees forms the basis for my answer to the question, “How could you?”

“Jesus replied, ‘You must love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all of the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.’” (Matthew 22:37-40 NLT)

So here is the answer:

When we love God in the manner described by Jesus Christ, we discover the ability to love ourselves, thereby allowing us to love those around us. When we love God, ourselves, and those around us, we are too busy thinking about others in positive ways to ever consider hurting them, or ourselves, in any of the many ways we do when that love is absent.

See, Mom? I told you it was simple.

But how many will actually allow themselves to see the truth residing in that simplicity? Obviously, there is more to the stories of our lives than that, but the reason those stories develop in the complex manner they do begins when God is absent from our lives in the first place. Those who need the whole complicated, detailed story can read the article I mentioned earlier. Actually, I wish everyone WOULD read it, because it demonstrates what happens when we fail to do what Jesus instructed us to do.

The short version is this: I failed to love God, and accept HIS love. Instead, I worshiped the gods of alcohol, drugs, sex, and pornography. Certainly millions of others do the same thing daily, but I offer that fact merely as a very sad commentary on the condition of the world in which we live today. I do not use the behavior of others to make excuses for mine. My own particular failure went an unfortunate and despicable final step beyond what is ‘normal’ and for that I am profoundly sorry. However, had I not taken that FIRST step, I never would have taken the LAST one, and the first step was taken because I didn’t heed the simple instructions of the One who died a horrible death hanging on a cross so I could have free access to God: “Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and with all of your mind.”

All I can say, Mom, is that something has gone seriously wrong in a society where bad behavior, inappropriateness, immaturity, immorality, self-indulgence and selfishness are proudly displayed in public while the belief in, and love of, God has become something most seem only willing to acknowledge on Sunday, and more out of obligation than any real love FOR God. The one thing we should all hold up for others as the only way to live our lives seems to have become a source of embarrassment for many. We ‘kinda sorta’ want to be seen as believing in God, but not really. We don’t actually want to LIVE the way God wants us to live. Doing that requires too much of a commitment and life today offers too many choices we would NOT be able to make if we made such a commitment to God.

Our government doesn’t help because God is constantly being shoved to the back of the bus in a new twist on segregation in America today. Additionally, the American public seems quite adept at criticizing this nation’s leaders for everything they do except when they provide us with more ways, and more rights, with which to live immoral and indecent lives; lives where our own instant gratification is the goal and easing the pain of those around us is something we are only motivated to do when we can conveniently text a donation after a devastating natural disaster. Indeed, our government actually has become one of the biggest enemies Jesus Christ has ever faced, which is odd for a country founded with religious freedom as one of its cornerstones. For those who are opening their mouths to object, kid yourselves not: the religious freedoms guaranteed in this nation’s Constitution were based more on the way we expressed our belief in Jesus Christ than in our freedom to believe in other gods or nothing at all. This being America, we are all free to believe in what we want to believe, of course, but following the words of Jesus Christ can certainly NOT cause anyone any harm and CAN heal, protect, and propel us to heights of care and concern for others which help to prevent the stories of peoples’ lives from ending in disaster.

It really is just that simple. I’m not sure why we have difficulty accepting simplicity unless it is in the plot lines of the latest reality show. One of the books I read during my time here was written by a professor from Baylor University named Byron Johnson and was titled “More God, Less Crime”. Duh. How much simpler do you want it?

Well, Mom, I think I am about finished here. I have answered the question “How could you?” to the best of my ability. If what has been offered isn’t sufficient, there is little I can do. I have accepted the forgiveness of God, and I have forgiven myself. Additionally, I have paid the price imposed by the justice system of this country. From this point forward, all I can do is try to heed the words of Jesus Christ when he told the woman who had been caught committing adultery, “Go and sin no more.” (John 8:11 NLT)

Jesus refused to condemn her, and He refuses to condemn me as well. If others choose to condemn me, well, they can explain themselves to God later on. For myself, all I know is God has given me a NEW life, and He shows me daily what to do with it and how to live it. I am proceeding with my eyes on Jesus Christ, and I am very, very grateful.

I love you and I apologize again for not writing sooner. I have some packing to do so I can be ready to leave***. I’ll catch you on the other side, Mom!

No, silly, not in Heaven (at least, not just yet); I meant, on the other side of the prison fence!

May God bless all who have put up with me for these 4 years. The years have meant a lot to me, and I can honestly say I tried to do something positive with them. My prayer is that they meant something to all of you as well. This is NOT the end of these “Chronicles”, by the way. You can’t get rid of me that easily!

*******

(* Ryan Loskarn’s story can be found in earlier articles titled “The Something I Didn’t Do“, and “An Open Letter To The Parents Of Ryan Loskarn“)

(**I self-surrendered on April 1, 2010)

(***I was released on May 20, 2014)

Please check out the print version of my book, “TODAY IS… A Gift From God” at (https://www.createspace.com/4718409 ). The writing of it helped me, and I pray the reading of it can do the same for you. If you have a loved one in prison, please send them a copy. It just might make a difference.

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In Search of Significance

Posted on July 19, 2016 by Tony Casson

(Author’s Note: This article was originally posted in The Oakdale Chronicles on February 23, 2013 while I was still incarcerated at the Federal Correctional Institution in Oakdale, Louisiana)

While there have certainly been very significant moments throughout my life, one of the issues that I had to come to terms with early on was the fact that the majority of my years prior to coming to prison were lived in a very insignificant way.

What I mean by that is that my life had no focus that went beyond my own selfishness; beyond my own self-indulgence; beyond my own urges and impulses; or beyond my total lack of concern for anyone or anything around me. I bounced through life aimlessly, much like that little silver sphere in a pinball game. Certainly that ball does fulfill a purpose, but it is a random one, dictated by luck, chance, and the whim of the “flippers” that control its direction and ultimate fate.

A human life – mine, yours, anyone’s – should be more than a pinball game. I am certain that about this time, most who will read this will surely say, “Well, speak for yourself! My life has purpose and I certainly am not like you!” Close examination would prove this to be the case for some but surely not for all, and probably for fewer than any of us would care to admit.

In one of the great ironies of my life, it has proven to be a fact that it was necessary for me to come to prison in order that I might learn just what it means to live a significant life and to begin the search for my significance.

If one desired to be a great painter, one most assuredly would study the masters. If one desired to be a great doctor, one would learn the lessons taught by those who know the subject. Whatever it is we desire to learn, we turn to those who have already demonstrated a proficiency in the subject.

It is that way as well in the search for significance. Significance itself is nothing more than having meaning or purpose. To lead a significant life, one must look to those who have done just that, and there are plenty of examples to follow.

My personal favorite is Jesus Christ. I can think of no one who has lived a life of greater significance than He. To best illustrate how I feel about the influence that Christ can have, I am going to insert something here from a book of daily devotionals that I have been working on. It is a book of meditations, thoughts, and lessons that I have learned which I have written to share with others and hope to make available next January. It is one step in my personal search for significance and here are my thoughts for one day in the year:

“TODAY IS…
THE IDEAL DAY TO SEEK SIGNIFICANCE IN OUR LIVES.”

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”
– Proverbs 19:21 NIV

God created each one of us for a reason. Since we do not come into this life with a certificate engraved with that purpose, we must look to God for help in discerning exactly what it may be. In his Gospel, John said, “God created everything through Him, and nothing was created except through Him.” (John 1:3 NLT). This means that we exist only because of the fact that God put us here. If we spend any time at all reading the Word of God, as we should, we know that He put each one of us here to live lives that have significance. Just as He placed His Son among us to live a life that was full of significance, He placed each one of us here to follow His example.

Can any of us live a life as significant as that of Jesus Christ? Doubtful. However, if we fill our lives with purpose and meaning, like Christ; if we spend our time trying to make life better for someone who has nothing to eat, no clothes to wear, or a home to live in, like Christ; if we devote the talents that God has given us – no matter how great or seemingly small they may be – to the care and comfort of others, like Christ, then we will leave this earth knowing that we have succeeded in our search for significance.

“But I have lived a long life of sin and I think it is too late and I am too old to live a life of significance.” If this statement sounds like it could be coming from you, it is important to understand that if your heart is pulling you to seek a purpose; to find meaning; to discover a path that will lead to a more selfless, less self-indulgent life, then the time is not too late. In fact, the time is perfect!

God has placed no age limit on us. We are never too young or too old to live a life of significance.

So much of what swirls around us on a daily basis is insignificant. So much is frivolous, meaningless, and serves no purpose other than to indulge, entertain or amuse. When we seek significance in our lives, we add tremendous value to it. We make everything around us more enjoyable because we discover the real joy that comes with purpose and suddenly we are happy from the inside out instead of pursuing insignificant and self-indulgent external things to give us pleasure that is shallow and short-lived.

Ask God daily to help you in your search for significance. Ask Him to lead you to His purpose.

It’s never too late to search for significance in our lives. In fact, today is an ideal day to start.
*******
I hope everyone got something from that. But even those who do not share the beliefs that I do need to understand the importance of significance.

Abraham Lincoln was a man of great significance. In his second annual message to Congress on December 1, 1862, Lincoln said, “Fellow-citizens, we cannot escape history. We of this Congress and this administration, will be remembered in spite of ourselves. No personal significance, or insignificance, can spare one or another of us. The fiery trail through which we pass, will light us down, in honor or dishonor, to the lastest generation.”

In other words, what we do while we are alive will outlive us all. We will be, each one of us, remember by someone, somewhere, for something.

For my part, I have decided that I will follow the example of those men and women I believe are found in what I call…

“THE BOOK OF SIGNIFICANCE”

I looked in the book of significance and my name could not be found, but I studied all the names I did find there.

I thought I could discover by what code they were all bound; I hoped that I could stumble on the secret that they share.

I looked upon their character, took a peek at words they spoke; tried to find the spark that lit the fires within;

Tried to see all that sustained them from the moment that they woke; what it was that gave them strength to not give in.

Was I really so presumptuous to think my name could rest in a place with those who lived so selflessly?

With names like Martin Luther King, Helen Keller and the rest; including men like John F. Kennedy.

To join the ranks of those like Rosa Parks and Henry Clay would be an honor, but just how is it done?

I believe that it is simply that they lived their lives each day always making other people number one.

In search of my significance, I found passion I’d misplaced, but I wonder if perhaps it’s come too late.

And is it strong enough to override a life lived in disgrace? Can I really hope that I can compensate?

Can I put the past behind me? Can I ever stand as tall as George Washington and others of his day?

Can I fight for what is right? Can I change anything at all? Can I speak out loud the words I need to say?

We make our lives significant (at least I think it’s true) by always placing other people first.

We make our lives significant through everything we do; feeding hunger and quenching people’s thirst.

In search of my significance, there’s a place that I must start, and if I don’t start there, I’ll not succeed.

Significance itself begins to grow inside my heart, but a heart is not the only thing I need.

A bond with God is needed. He will guide me on my way. He will show me how to be like all the rest.

He will lead me to significance, into the book to stay, because I finally have given life my best.
*******

To anyone anywhere who is reading these words, know this: It is important that we are all, if nothing else, honest with ourselves.

In asking the question, “Is my name in the ‘Book of Significance’?” I sincerely hope that each person’s answer is a resounding “Yes!”

However, if the answer is less than yes, there is no call to feel guilty or bad about yourself. The only call is to action. You see, “The Book of Significance” contains many names that are familiar to us all; names like those I mentioned in my poem. But the vast majority of names contained in that book are names that very few people know. But that’s alright. Our position in the book is not what is important. Our presence in the book is. The search for significance, for me, began with God. I hope that is where you start your search.

But if not, I still wish you nothing but the best of luck in your search and I hope we bump into each other in the pages of “The Book of Significance.”

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