“At The Bottom Of The Staircase”

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Tony Casson

MLK First Step(Author’s note, 3/15/19 – This article was updated to correct the newsletter link at the bottom. It was the first in a series. If you never read it, you may find it interesting. The rest of the articles are archived under “A Thousand First Steps”)

Following my nearly successful suicide attempt I was hospitalized for a week.*

After being brought to Jackson Memorial Hospital in Hollywood, FL, the self-inflicted wounds to both sides of my neck were sutured and I spent the better part of 24 hours in the Intensive Care Unit before being moved to a regular hospital room for another day. I was then brought to the psychiatric ward, which was in a secure part of the hospital and was used to house people who presented a danger to themselves.

Initially, I was held for three days according to the provisions of the “Baker Act”, which allowed people in Florida who had made attempts on their lives to be placed in such a secure environment for ‘observation’.  I was kept an additional 2 days while waiting for the ‘staples’ to be removed from my neck. Throughout those 5 days, I spent much time in reflection on the events leading up to my being where I was. I was also engaged in multiple conversations throughout each day with a steady stream of counselors and mental health professionals. The objective of each conversation was to determine whether what I had attempted to do to myself was likely to be repeated, or if it was an ‘aberration’.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had taken the first step on my “Path To Freedom” when I raised my ‘white flag’ in surrender as I lay on the shower floor approaching certain death.

Although it would be some time before I would begin to consciously recognize the ‘bread crumbs’ I wrote about in an earlier post, I had opened up the lines of communication with God when I asked Him to forgive me for the way I had lived my life. As a result of that request, I had begun to hear God’s voice. No, I did not actually hear Him speaking, but I had awakened something inside of me that I could not fully understand yet.

I hadn’t even actually started to pray yet. At least, not in any sort of deliberate manner. I mean, at that time I still had no idea what it really meant to pray, but I instinctively knew that things would be different now that I had asked God for forgiveness, and I was determined to figure out what I was supposed to do next.

Seven days after entering the hospital I was released to the custody of two FBI agents who placed me under arrest and transported me to the Broward County Jail in Ft. Lauderdale to await an appearance before a federal judge the next morning.

Even though the mental health professionals at Jackson Memorial Hospital had released me, after a daylong process of being ‘booked’, I was placed, naked, into an observation room in the jail. I was provided with two ‘vests’ made of quilted material similar to that found in blankets used for moving furniture. The room was bare except for a thin mattress on the floor. I laid on one of the vests and covered my nakedness with the other. It was cold in the cell even though it was August in south Florida. It was late, and I was tired, but every time sleep mercifully approached, someone entered the cell noisily to ‘check’ on me, effectively keeping me awake and ensuring that I would be uncomfortable.

When morning finally arrived, I was brought breakfast, which consisted of a Styrofoam container which held what appeared to be a loaf of bread. I later learned that it was something called a ‘breakfast loaf’ and. although it looked appealing, it was one of the most disgusting things I have ever tasted. Horrid, actually. Made from ground up whatever-was-laying-around-the-kitchen (literally, to include the floor, I think), it could only have been designed as a form of punishment, that is how vile it was.

Gut instinct told me I was being treated this way because of the nature of my charges, not because anyone actually perceived I presented a danger to myself or anyone else. After all, I would not have been released to the FBI in the first place had there been fears I would make another attempt on my life. The  agents who retrieved me in the morning seemed surprised and, oddly, embarrassed upon learning of my overnight accommodations.

Despite the inconvenience, discomfort, and humiliation brought on by the practices at the jail, I was accepting of it all and at peace internally. God was already at work, and although the awareness of His presence was most certainly not a particularly conscious thought back then, I realize now that the Holy Spirit was beginning to occupy more space within me and was somehow reassuring me that I no longer had anything to fear.

Once in court, I was introduced to the man who would become my lawyer, a federal public defender. We spoke very briefly and when the magistrate we stood before announced I would be released with nothing more than my signature as collateral, he expressed amazement.

This I did recognize as a miracle.

As one who had made a nearly successful attempt on his own life, I should have been remanded to custody with no bail. My attorney thought I was just ‘very lucky’. I knew that luck had nothing to do with it any more than it had to do with me being discovered on the shower floor before I had died. God was at work.

I was stunned at how quickly I found myself out in the Florida sunshine, free to go where I wished. Certainly there was awareness that I still had to answer for my behavior, but I had the ability to move about while my fate was being decided.

This was a precious gift from God, and I recognized it as such.

I made my way back to the motel I had tried to leave in such a violent, and permanent, manner. The grisly, bloody mess I had left behind in the bathroom had been mercifully cleaned up and after I said a tearful hello and offered my thanks to those who were left to do the cleaning, I took refuge in my room to gather my thoughts.

Soon after, I retrieved my phone from the motel office. It was not very long before I found myself talking with my sister Kathy, who lived in Virginia. In the course of the conversation I asked her if she would send me a Bible. She said she would be happy to and it arrived a couple of days later.

It had a soft, grey leather cover and it felt wonderful in my hands. I held it and looked at it with the same wonder one would feel holding a newborn child for the first time:  I knew I was holding something special, but had not the first clue what to do next.

I called my sister, thanked her for sending it to me and asked her, “Now what do I do with it?”

I had found the foot of the stairs, and I was about to begin climbing them.

(*Author’s Note: See article in Central Union Mission newsletter)

 

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“The Crumbs On The Path”

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Tony Casson

“And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.”  Isaiah 42:16 ESV

J. Paul Getty once said, “If you look after the pennies, the dollars will take care of themselves.” This means that we take care of the big things by paying attention to the little things – the details.

And who is more detail-oriented than the one who created everything? If our eyes are open to the victory won for us on the cross by Christ, we constantly marvel at the world that our great God created.

The majesty of  mountains takes our breath away,

God's Creation

we are mesmerized by the power and splendor of the oceans He created,

Pacific_ocean_5

our bodies shake at the roaring of powerful waterfalls,

God's Creation 2

and He reveals the universe to us in indescribably beautiful ways.

Pillars of Creation

But this is not where the awesome power and sovereignty of God is best displayed, for He orchestrates His symphony of creation down to the smallest detail, and it is in the little things where we can best appreciate His work.

From the delicate perfection of a butterfly,

Butterfly-2

to the perfectly balanced life surrounding a coral reef,

Tropical-Harmony-tropical-harmony-fish-sea-ocean-underwater-1600x1200

to the incredible array of creatures roaming the surface of the earth,

Giraffes_African_Friends_1MD

God looks after ‘the pennies’.

Sometimes, after we are finally compelled to wave our ‘white flag’ (see: “Raising The White Flag”), we begin to expect spectacular miracles to take place in our lives. Many of us fail to recognize that our very lives are miracles. Once we acknowledge this simple fact, we are then better able to understand how the miracle which is our life contains a litany of details which could only be managed by someone of indescribable power.

And it is in those details where we find His trail of ‘spiritual breadcrumbs’. It is by identifying, and following, these spiritual breadcrumbs that we are able to stay on the path to freedom. We must open our eyes to the existence of these ‘crumbs’ in order for us to fully appreciate the awesome power of God. The Bible tells us, repeatedly, how detail-oriented God is: “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.” (Matthew 10: 29-30 ESV)

My own eyes were finally opened to the trail of ‘crumbs’ in my life while in federal prison. I began to notice things around me, as if I were seeing for the very first time. In a sense, I was, for my new relationship with – and reliance upon – God caused the eyes of my heart to open and allowed the eyes in my head to see things differently.

I began to see God’s hand in everything around me. I recognized individuals as being placed in my path by God, for His purpose. The manner in which my prison life unfolded was such that I was able to feed my growing need for knowledge of God’s Word. The cell I was placed in and the person I wound up with as a roommate – ‘cellie’ in prison jargon – was an individual who helped me along the path. (Author’s note: Read about him in “Letters To Heaven: In Memory Of Peter Becker”)

Even walking in the recreation yard, my eyes were opened to the presence of God and the victory won on the cross by Jesus. I saw old wooden power poles that appeared to me as a reminder of His sacrifice and I shared that vision with others. One friend of mine, Richard Roy, enlisted the aid of another inmate named Will Mattingly to use his artistic talent to draw a depiction of what I saw:

Through-the-Eyes-of-the-Heart-845x1024 vers 2

I titled the drawing “Through The Eyes Of The Heart” and published an article called “With Eyes Wide Open” in the original “Oakdale Chronicles”.

Following are excerpts from that article:

“With the newly opened eyes of my heart, the fences became transparent and the transformers and power lines disappeared. What I DID see was Jesus Christ hanging from the center cross looking down at me. What I DID see was a man taking the burden of my sins, and the sins of every other person in the world, and replacing that burden with freedom.

With the eyes of my heart, I could see what had been missing in my life. I could see forgiveness for what I had done wrong and I could see what I needed to do to correct those things. I could see the pain that I caused others, and I could see the pain that others caused me, and I could see the pain in the eyes of Jesus as He implored me to give all of that pain to HIM.

I could see the look of suffering on His face as He relieved me of my burden, but at the same time, I could feel His joy at the knowledge that His suffering was not in vain.

Now, with the eyes of my heart wide open, I could see the future and the hope that had been promised to ME. I could see that I was now truly free to do the RIGHT thing, for the RIGHT reason, and in the RIGHT way. I was now free to rid my heart of the darkness that had filled it so completely for so many years and replace it with the light that comes with the unshakeable faith I now had that no matter where I might walk from that day forward, I would never be alone, I did not need to be afraid, and I would never be without purpose.

I began to realize that I was no longer in prison at all. In fact, from that moment forward, I was more free than I had ever been in my life.”

and,

“God has opened wide the eyes of my heart, and He can open YOURS as well. With our eyes wide open we can see many things we could not see before: We can see hope; we can see peace, happiness, joy, love, and forgiveness; we can see the goodness that lives and breathes all around us. And with our eyes wide open we can also see the hunger, the pain, the suffering, and the desperation of other people. But these are not bad things to see, because once our eyes are open, we can also see our place in God’s plan to HELP those who are afflicted. Seeing our place will allow us to take the action necessary to improve the condition of our brothers and sisters who are all God’s children.

And THIS, my friends, is freedom.”

Things happen in our lives everyday that many people attribute to ‘coincidence’, ‘chance’, ‘good luck’, or ‘bad luck’. More than likely, all of those things are attributable to God and what is necessary for us to steadfastly follow the path to freedom without straying off of it is to constantly look at everything around us because the people we meet, the situations we encounter, and the things we see all contain the details that are God’s spiritual breadcrumbs for us to follow.

Today is a good day to start looking after your ‘pennies’.

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“Raising The White Flag”

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Tony Casson

“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Corinthians 15:57 ESV)

There is a tendency to associate ‘surrendering’ with ‘losing’ or being a ‘loser’. While this certainly might be a proper viewpoint when discussing the outcome of warfare between two armies, it is definitely not the case when we talk about surrendering to the victory won by Jesus Christ when He died on the cross.

Considering the death of anyone by crucifixion on a cross as a ‘victory’ might seem a difficult concept to embrace. Indeed, it certainly would have been for me not too many years ago had I stopped to consider it at all, but understanding the full impact of that statement is crucial to illuminating our own personal path to freedom.

Even though it is not the death of Christ by itself that secured us this victory, His brutal death set the stage for what would prove to be a turning point in the history of mankind. After the Roman soldiers determined Jesus was truly dead,  his bloody, lifeless body was removed from the cross and placed inside a tomb. Three days later Jesus was raised from the dead by God, and it is the combination of Jesus’ dying and being raised up from the dead that secured victory for all of mankind. However, understanding exactly what that victory was and what it means to each one of us individually is difficult for many to understand.

The Gospel Of Jesus Christ lays out that victory and is stated by my church quite simply:

“The Gospel is the joyous declaration that God is redeeming the world through Christ and that He calls everyone everywhere to repent from sin and trust Jesus Christ for salvation.

Each of us has sinned against God, breaking His law and rebelling against His rule, and the penalty for our sin is death and hell. But because of His love, God sent His Son, Jesus, to live, for His people’s sake, the perfect, obedient life God requires and to die on the cross in our place for our sin.

On the third day, Christ rose bodily from the grave and now reigns in heaven, offering forgiveness, righteousness, resurrection, and eternal blessedness in God’s presence to everyone who repents of sin and trusts solely in Him for salvation.”

In the Garden of Gethsemane, shortly before being betrayed by Judas, Jesus was telling His disciples about what would soon take place and  “After Jesus said this, he looked toward heaven and prayed: ‘Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. 2 For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. 3 Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. 4 I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do.'”  (John 17:1-4  NIV)

In my book, “Today Is….A Gift From God”, I state that I am ‘not a pastor, preacher, minister, priest, or biblical scholar ‘, and I am certainly none of those things. I am simply a man whose eyes began to open to the meaning of that victory, and an understanding of Christ’s ‘finished work’, on a beautiful morning in August of 2009 which began in a particularly ugly way.

I had lived for 40 years in willful disobedience to God (although I had yet to learn and acknowledge this), angry with Him for allowing life on earth to exist the way it did, full of personal pain and sorrow as well as the pain and suffering of those around me; people I knew as well as those I would never meet. Since I was never taught to turn to Christ when I was in need of comfort, strength, compassion, love, or support, at the age of 14 I learned instead to turn to alcohol as a way of lessening the pain of growing up. Followed closely by my discovery of the pain-numbing ability of drugs at the age of 16, the stage was now set for what would follow over the next 40 years.

Living a selfish, self-centered, and self-destructive lifestyle where drug and alcohol abuse were a significant component of daily life led me to a seedy, sleazy, rundown motel in south Florida where, on the morning of August 18, 2009, the full effects of my sinful life came crashing down on me and I made a nearly successful attempt on my life.

Lying on the floor of the shower stall in my room of that motel, bleeding from self-inflicted wounds to both sides of my neck, I finally ‘raised the white flag’ and surrendered. Granted, the full life-giving, life-changing impact of what transpired there would take some time to reveal itself to me, but the effects were immediate.

I should not be alive today, and it is only through the finished work of Christ on the cross, and the victory He won for us all that I survived the attack on myself and am able to write these words.

That victory made it possible for the four words I finally whispered as I hovered near death to be heard by God. Those four words were, “God, please forgive me.”

It is amazing how quickly God responds when we finally raise the white flag and surrender ourselves to His victory. In my case, I was found by individuals who should not have found me until long after I was dead. I was transported to a hospital where I awoke the next morning. While I am still very new in my relationship with God, I knew who had saved me the instant I opened my eyes and I have devoted my life to growing in my relationship with Him ever since.

There is a beautiful hymn titled “It Is Well With My Soul”, and I recently discovered the awe-inspiring story behind that hymn:

Horatio Spafford (1828-1888) was a wealthy Chicago lawyer with a thriving legal practice, a beautiful home, a wife, four daughters and a son. Spafford was  a devout Christian and his circle of friends included Dwight L. Moody other well-known Christians of the day.

At the height of his financial and professional success, Horatio and his wife Anna suffered the tragic loss of their young son. Shortly thereafter on October 8, 1871, the Great Chicago Fire destroyed almost every real estate investment that Spafford had.

In 1873, Spafford scheduled a boat trip to Europe to give his wife and daughters a much-needed vacation and time to recover from the tragedy. He was to join Moody on an evangelistic campaign in England. Faced with some unexpected last-minute business, Spafford sent his wife and daughters ahead of him while he remained in Chicago. Several days later he received notice that his family’s ship had been involved in a collision.

All four of his daughters drowned; only his wife had survived.

With a heavy heart, Spafford boarded a boat that would take him to his grieving Anna in England and it was while on this trip that he wrote “It Is Well With My Soul”.

The incredible burden of all those things would have broken many individuals, but Mr. Spafford, having surrendered himself to victory long before, knew exactly where to turn in his greatest times of need.

The hymn is performed beautifully in this video featuring Bill and Gloria Gaither with Guy Penrod and David Phelps:


“Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to His cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!”

He has shed His own blood for you, and for me, and through His sacrifice, our sin was nailed to the cross so that we are able to raise our white flags, surrender ourselves, and claim the victory that leads us to the path of freedom.

May God bless you, keep you safe, and continue to light the way for you.

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“The Obstacle In The Path”

Posted on March 24, 2015 by Tony Casson

The biggest single obstacle blocking any individual’s progress on the path to freedom will always be themselves. Any person who has difficulty accepting the fact that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, was born of a virgin, lived a perfect life, died a horrible death to atone for our sins, was buried and then was raised from the dead to sit at the right hand of God, must first find within themselves the ability to believe this truth.

For many of us, this is a difficult truth to accept. For many of us, the story is just too far-fetched to believe. I know this because for most of my life I refused to accept it myself. From my mid-teens to my mid-fifties, I lived with no belief in God and no understanding of what the death of His Son on the cross meant for me personally. As you will see, I came to accept that truth in a particularly painful way which almost cost me my life. It is my fervent hope and prayer that the recounting of that experience and my personal discovery of the path to freedom might be of value to others. Perhaps the thoughts posted here might help others to  pause and consider their own faith, or lack thereof.  As a result of reading these pages, if just one person begins to follow the path made freely available to us all by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, then God has truly blessed me in a magnificent way.

I was initially raised as a Roman Catholic, but any involvement with the church or its teachings was merely blind obedience to parental instruction. There was never any family discussion centered on the Bible, on God, or on the life and death of Jesus. Ultimately, what I was left with was the impression that God was to be feared and obeyed or we would go to a really, really bad place upon our death. While this is true, that impression leaves us terribly ignorant to important truths about God. Truths such as His abundant and unfailing love for us, His incredible capacity for mercy, grace, and forgiveness, as well as His amazing ability to restore us and renew our lives when we live them in willful disobedience to Him and finally decide to return to His ‘flock’, as I did.

If you are uncomfortable again as a result of the words you are reading, I understand. I was very uncomfortable back in August of 2009 as I lay in a pool of my blood on the floor of a motel shower stall, hovering near death from self-inflicted wounds to both sides of my neck.

But how did I wind up on that shower floor?

Following is an excerpt from an article I wrote in “The Oakdale Chronicles“, a blog which was lovingly maintained for me by family and a friend while incarcerated at the Oakdale, LA federal correctional institution. The article, titled “unspoken“, was written as a ‘speech’ that I would love to give to high school students:

“It has taken tragedy, self-degradation, the embarrassment of myself and my family, loss of respect from others and from myself, a nearly successful suicide attempt, arrest and imprisonment for me to find answers for myself. To find the answers, I needed to discover certain truths about how a life – my life – became so completely and disastrously derailed. I point the finger of blame at no one for anything I have ever done. I hold no one responsible for the multitude of bad decisions I have made in my life, nor do I hold anyone accountable for me being where I am today instead of where I could have been. No one, that is, except for myself. But now, finally, I can see clearly some of the things that were broken early on in my life that could have been fixed and probably would have resulted in my train staying on the track. Oh, I probably would have still been rerouted a time or two, or paused in a siding temporarily, but I quite possibly could have avoided the complete derailment that caused so much damage, created so much havoc and endangered – and cost – so many lives.”

Those broken things I mentioned in that article constituted the first step on the path that I used to be on. It was a selfish, self-centered, and self-destructive path that almost delivered me to a horrible death which would have left painful memories for those who loved me despite the fact I could not love myself. As we continue this journey together, I will attempt to offer clear, concise directions to all who may discover they, too, are headed the wrong way.

When God created mankind He gave us the freedom to make choices.  The Bible offers an excellent definition of freedom and how God intended that freedom to be used: “For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.” (Galatians 5:13 NLT)

 On a low wall on the Penn State University campus is this inscription: “Use Thy Freedom Well”. Like many people, I failed to do that. How about you? How are you using yours?

Until next time, may God touch your heart and help you stay on the “Path To Freedom”.

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“The Beginning Of The Journey”

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Tony Casson

In ancient times, the crucifixion of murderers, bandits, or other enemies of the state was commonplace and the public display of such an extraordinarily cruel and presumably painful method of punishment would likely have provided a deterrent to many who might consider similar actions as those condemned to that fate. It is easy to imagine that such an event drew large crowds, much like the hangings popular in the wild west of this country in the 1800’s.

A little over two thousand years ago, one man in particular was nailed to a cross, along with two robbers, and he hung there until it was determined there was no longer any life in his beaten and bloodied body. This man was different than the men on either side of him,  he was different than all those who were crucified before him, and he was also different from all who would come after him. It is probably safe to assume the crowds for this particular execution were bigger than all others. After all, this was no ordinary robber or murderer. This was the man they called Jesus of Nazareth who was purported to be the long-awaited Messiah.

This was the man who claimed to be the Son of God.

The fact that a man named Jesus died on a cross has never really come into question. Conversely, his claim to be the Son of God has been debated, disputed, and denied ever since. However, if this man’s claim were untrue, I would be unable to type these words you are reading. If this man’s claim were untrue, I would still be a prisoner.

But I am alive today because of his death on the cross, and I am freer than I have been in my entire life. Simply put, my ability to type these words comes from the fact that He is who He claimed to be, and over time I will demonstrate how I have come to believe  this to be true. It is my prayer that, also over time, those who do not believe Jesus of Nazareth truly is the Son of God will come to search their own hearts and discover their own ability to trust that our only Hope is in God, and believe in the truth that He loves each one of us so much He allowed His only begotten Son to die in a horrible manner in order that we all might gain eternal life.

My name is Tony Casson. I am glad you have decided to visit and I hope you come back. I look forward to getting to know you, to all of you getting to know me, and all of us getting to know God.

Come along and discover just how beautiful the path to freedom can be.

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